Why must suburban lemmings and corporate America go pumpkin crazy every time Autumn rolls around? Am I missing something? Is the sale of futures in pumpkin stock so low that everyone is making a push for the most productive pumpkin product pushing in this economically perplexed era?
Did I mention I’m not a fan of pumpkins?
Pumpkins are ugly (and covered in a dirty film). Pumpkins are full of nasty mushy innards that must be scooped out before use. Pumpkin products are anything but tasty, and they provide minimal nutritional value. (Ok, for those of you that are vitamin A deficient, perhaps a little pumpkin is worth ingesting.)
Moral of the story: I despise the pumpkin, and I am sick and tired of them and all their harvest time glory being shoved in my face everywhere I go.
Exhibit A: Starbucks (and any other coffee chain) with their “Pumpkin Spice Lattes” and their pumpkin bread desserts. Thanks for shoving that spicey/bitter/sweet aroma up my unsuspecting nostrils. I was hoping for an aromatic atmosphere filled with coffee beans, cocoa, and steeping herbal teas, then BAM…that trick-or-treating trickster of a pumpkin stole the show.
Exhibit B: All of the outdoor flower shops and farmers markets display them all along the street. As if that’s not enough, their signs are pumpkin cutouts and they have pumpkin string lights to illuminate the potential jack-o-lanterns/pies/pumpkin loaves/baked seeds/devil’s fruit/whatever else one can make with a pumpkin.
Exhibit C: The pumpkin-scented candles and potpurri that occupy the shelves of every craft store, home goods store, decorative department of superstores, and craft fairs. Just because it is Autumn it does not mean that I don’t have the desire to smell OTHER THINGS BESIDES PUMPKINS in my home. Why is “warm vanilla” getting the shaft? Is it because she’s white? What happened to diversity? Bastards.
Exhibit D: Pumpkin Halloween costumes. I admit that when I was five I dressed up as a plump little pumpkin. I am not ashamed. I wore my brown tights, pumpkin middle, and stem hat with pride. Kids look cute as pumpkins. I get it. My problem is the adult pumpkin costume. You are a grown man dressed up as a fruit while following around a bunch of tots as they roam innocently down the street. Fruit following kid = dangerous situation that is warned against in after-school specials. On any other day, this is child molester territory. Don’t go there.
I have had enough of the pumpkins. Bring on the cornucopia! How about some gourds? At this point, I would even allow mass marketing to jump on the christmas sleigh and start bombarding me with images of sugar plum fairies. I officially understand now why a band would choose a name such as “Smashing Pumkins”. I would love to go smash some pumpkins. Or how about adults dressed as pumpkins? That’ll get ya jacked up…
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