Two posts in one day count yourself lucky. Okay so the first was posted in the early hours of the morning because I literally didn’t get any sleep last night. I went to bed, I got up again because I was so wired I knew I was not going to get to sleep. Apart from spontaneously bursting into tears over L1 and my loss of the group (see previous posts if you have not caught up) I just had 1001 thoughts running around in my head and I just had to get things written down.
So I did what I do best, I got up and I decided to write a quick letter just to put together something for the therapist I am seeing on Thursday about how I was feeling over L1 and the group and how it was still affecting me pretty much daily. I feel if I get it in writing and give to her to read or read it to her myself it gets things out in the open. It just makes things easier, once it’s out there I can talk or at least that’s how I hope it will work.
So letter written, printed out I went back to bed and tried again to get some sleep, by this point is was almost 2.30am ish. I was still tossing and turning and couldn’t drop off and eventually maybe getting about an hour’s rest but not sleep I got up at 5am half an hour before the alarm was due to go off. It’s just been one of those days.
It was Sociology class this morning. I like the subject, the tutor is good but he goes on and it can be a little difficult to understand, it’s probably going to be the subject I might find the hardest because of the way the tutor delivers the themes. I really have to pay attention in the class to understand it and lack of sleep today has not really helped.
First there were more tears on the bus. I found myself thinking of Christmas cards, just randomly going around in my head about what cards I need to buy for family, mainly for my dad because it’s not something he would go and do and it kind of went through my head that I’d be buying a card this year that would say ‘Merry Christmas Dad’ instead ‘Merry Christmas Mum & Dad’ queue tears on the bus… I’m taking out shares in Kleenex!
I know it’s normal, I know it’s a perfectly normal reaction, it just takes you by surprise when it happens… then I was listening to some music then just brought more tears because held memories, you get the idea.
Anyway back to Sociology class and the talkable tutor, so we’d already had tears on the bus. Part of his class today he was going on about family, modern families and the topic of woman cleaning and we got onto ‘OCD’, this is the second time OCD has been a prime topic in class. It came up yesterday and was kind of discussed at length in Psychology but more on a normal level.
Mr Tutor who goes by name of K in today’s class who is really good at delivering his subject and for today and me it was his third lesson, I felt his way of talking about OCD was a tad harsh and at one point I felt he was having a bit of go of people who have OCD and I was pretty certain he made of point of saying that people with OCD can’t hold down a full down job. So my hand shot up and I challenged him on this but he kind of deny that’s what he said, but I’m still certain that’s what he was saying. To me he sounded really patronising towards people with OCD.
Now it’s no secret on the blog that I am diagnosed with OCD, it’s a trait I’ve had since my teenage years and a diagnoses I’ve had for over ten years and I’ve held down many full down jobs in that time. There are times when my OCD is worse than other times usually when I am more stressed or depressed. Thankfully with the help of medication and therapy I have learned to use some techniques to gradually make some positive changes, it’s not a miracle cure by far but I have seen some big changes on some of the things I use to do.
The thing that worries me now is I wonder if when I challenged him if I may have come over as a little rude or even agreesive because I wasn’t in the greatest mood… I’m tempted to find him to tomorrow and just say something like I hope it didn’t seem like I was rude yesterday or something, what do you think? Or should I just leave it?
His class had finished by 10.40am and I was home for 12.30pm. I was happy to be home. I ducked out of IT this afternoon, I’m ahead anyway. I shouldn’t have really gone in today without sleep if I am honest. I did have a word with the lovely IT teacher we have and she marked me as seen and authorised as away how nice of her. I’d had to have hung around for three hours and half hours before IT started and I was just not in the right frame of mind for that today, so she was happy to let us go for today.
Silly thing is I cancelled my dentist appointment for this appointment for the crown fitting so I could go to IT. I re-arranged it for Thursday afternoon, how typical is that, still at least it shows commitment on my part! Speaking of dentists (or rather the grim reaper) it seems someone thinks irony should be given out along with starting college…
… I am getting my first WISDOM TOOTH! Hey I’m only 32, I did have 14 teeth at the top and suddenly number 15 is appearing rather rapidly one might add! I hasten to add it seems to be growing normally, fingers crossed! No doubt I’ll get the nice dentist to confirm if I am right on Thursday!
Finally for today! After years of mood swings cycling up and down faster than a someone cycling in the Olympics things have settled down gradually over the past 6 months with the help of Topiramate which I am still referring to as my miracle drug. My best friend now refers to me as calmer and in more control which is nice. Okay so we get the odd outburst and the moods still go up and down but generally there has been a marked big improvementm thumbs up for Dr G and The Priory!
Still I’ve picked up on a pattern. Having chaotic mood swings for most of my life that’s from my teens to now I’ve never experienced standard PMT, aren’t I lucky, that is until now… I’ve just discovered a pattern every month irritability, mood swings, losing your temper easily (that poor tutor this morning!), crying for no particular reason, poor concentration, tiredness (take Friday – Sun) insomnia (take last night even with a high dose of Promazine) and I want chocolate like it’s going out of fashion… shall I go on! It’s classic PMT and at 32 I’ve just realised that I actually have PMT! I’ve only just distinguished the real mood swings from BPD / rapid cycling mood swings or whatever else you want to call what I’ve put up with for most of my life! I am actually normal, I could cry! (pass the Kleenex, again!) Just kind of checking over the calendar and realising that the spontaneous symptoms above seem to all appear about 3 / 4 days before my period is due, PMT yes, I think so! Took me a few months to figure it out once the Topiramate had gradually kicked in, obviously that doesn’t work for PMT!
I am off to tuck into a very large bar of Cadbury Dairy Milk and I don’t give a toss…
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