Love gets bogged own in expectations. What a wonder it is so think someone is so fantastic just because of who they are and not because of what that give/mean to you. That is such a marvel! Real love, in my book.
My dad is one person who I love like this. He’s just so wonderful. So wise. I can’t even describe him. I want to be just like him.
I think I usually fail to love China Man, like I described. I always seem to want something from him… I want him to want me. That’s my failure in this relationship.
Sometimes though, like today… I’m reminded that he is just fantastic. He’s interesting, engaging, funny, etc. He doesn’t have to love me, or even want me. I just think he’s fantastic. I’m so happy he exists! What remarkable flavor he adds to the concoction of the world! Wonderful… he’s just wonderful.
In regard to me moving to China… don’t worry… I’m finally – for once – not considering it. I thought about it though. It’s nothing here that’s keeping me, I’m not terribly fond of my job at this point, nor my apartment, nor my social life. It’s all fine, just not enough to keep me here. What keeps me from going to China is our (China Man and my) relationship.
He’s just still not sure he wants me. Sometimes he does, but then he wants me right then. When the desire passes, he’s fine… back to not sure if he wants me. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s how it feels. It’s okay with me, I just can’t move there for him when he’s still undecided. No matter how much more attractive that life looks to me, than the one I’m currently living.
I’ll tell him all this, if we ever talk about it. I think he knows he’s still not sure he wants me though and will put off the conversation. I’m okay with that though too… I think I have peace.
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